Gargi Mukherjee Recently I too like many others came across Amy Chua’s article in the WSJ and had to smile and ponder. Not that I am a parenting expert because I don’t think anybody is. It’s a game of trial and error but I do think we as parents are torn between two extremes. And since I abhor anything extreme in life and always prefer to look at other options and weigh the pros and cons I think we need to aim for a happy medium. While as a parent I lean a bit more on Amy’s side I couldn’t ever NOT send my child to a sleepover or NOT be thrilled because he wants to take part in the school play. In fact when there was an option to choose a middle school in our town with a concentration on the arts or the sciences we chose the one that focused on the arts. Then how do I lean more on Amy’s side For the last couple of weeks our home has been in a constant state of disarray with books study guides papers notebooks pens and pencils strewn all over our living room. And I have had a splitting headache for the 2 weeks—all because my 8th grader is taking his midterms. Every evening if you were one of our neighbors you would hear screams yells and tantrums galore. Why Because I have incessant battles with my 13-year old about studying and not studying enough for his midterm exams. While he thinks I am expecting him to study as a college student I feel his studying skills do not match his capabilities and will only fetch him grades between 79 and 82 and not 90 and above. After working all day in the demanding pharma advertising industry I will admit that when I get home my tolerance level is probably zero. And hence the battle begins—hours of reviewing quizzing and studying—all in an atmosphere of tired red eyes and yawns and the slouching gait and the constant resistance to anything I suggest that might help him. I often raise my voice ok maybe I scream and allude to his “western” friends and their mothers and rhetorically ask if they are doing the same. And consequently if so why does he NOT appreciate the fact that I have given up my relaxation time my time to watch the Idol or House or what have you and instead have been a martyr evening after evening only for him Why does he not care In fact ever since he turned 12 we have been battling over most things—from brushing his teeth in the clinically accurate manner to not picking up the clothes he has thrown all over the floor of his room to not practicing the tabla or the saxophone or to not staying on top of his school work. I had to literally sit him down one day and explain to him that in life he will be battling with me on major issues and he should learn to pick his battles and let go of the silly ones like brushing his teeth It did seem to sink in a bit. My sister a mother of a son older than mine once advised me to calm down because she warned this was only the beginning that I would have to endure this struggle for another 4 years before he turns out semi-responsible I choked because I seriously could not fathom doing this for years to come. One of his teachers once told me to take a step back because he was a good boy and I should let him take on the onus of his actions and face the consequences himself if he fails. But I could never do that How could I let my son’s grades slip or allow his performance to not be up to the mark I wouldn’t be a true Indian or “Asian” mother then But all those things aside on most nights after my son has gone to sleep when I go to his room and look at that soft warm moon-like face I forget that earlier in the evening this was the same smarty pants who was challenging me on everything I was suggesting he do for his own good I sit on his bed and run my fingers through his hair very gently. He barely looks at me but smiles and turns around mumbling “creepy crawlies on my back please.” And then I promise to never again lose my patience never to be too harsh on him just let him be a 13-year old and enjoy life But then again the next evening the promises are forgotten and the rigors of raising a 13-year old the Indian way begins. Oh there has to be a middle ground. I am searching. Let me know if you find one.